I often scan the newsgroups for humor (rec.humor, rec.humor.funny, alt.humor.best-of-usenet, etc.) Often there are true stories, or true news digests, or other similar threads. Here are some of my favorite excerpts from these things (which are, as far as I can tell, not under any copyright restrictions)
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and
flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned
in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter.
It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine tha magnetic
Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake
three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When
a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one
person was hit - Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan
suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other
assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
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In Bermuda in 1975 a man on a motor scooter was knocked down and
killed by a taxi. Exactly a year earlier the same driver in the same
taxi, carrying the same passenger, had knocked down and killed the
motor-scooter rider's brother, on the same street, riding the same
scooter.
*************************************************************************
While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.
While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the
farmer tehered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and
cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a
sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse
started and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with,
Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence
the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with
the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excite-
ment, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At
this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray.
The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he
did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At las
report the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims
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From court transcripts:
> > >
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
> > >
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
> > >
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
> > >
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
> > >
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
> > >
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The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really
happened. (And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure
out why I chose those names. :)
Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is
driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted
and doesn't see a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they
hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the
police before, and gets really nervous.
MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding.
What'd I do what'd I do?
He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks
up to his window.
COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?
MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't mean to run it!
I just didn't see it! Really!
COP: I'll need to see your driver's license.
Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's
wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his
wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of
it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together
they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions,
front and back, to no avail. After ten or fifteen minutes of searching,
Al looks up and catches the officer's eye.
AL: You don't need to see his identification.
COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.
AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
AL: He may go on about his business.
COP: You may go on about your business.
AL: Move along.
COP: Move along.
At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in,
and drives away.
Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he
stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.
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Subject: BUMPER STICKER
" I'd rather be driving"
" My other car is a piece of shit too"
" Honk if your horn is broken "
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Balraj Singh)
Organization: EECS at University of California, at Berkeley
Subject: food stamps
Clipping in Newsweek :-
From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County
(S.C.) Department of Social Services..
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992,
because we have received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Jason Freund)
Subject: Grocery Store
I like it when grocers in the check-out line try to make friendly small
conversation.
One time I bought a can of lighter fluid and some orange juice concentrate:
"Mmmm, Having a barbeque tonight, huh?"
"No. Mixed drinks."
The bagger busted up laughing.
= = = = = = =a
From: [email protected] (Krishnan Sridhar)
Subject: true, funny
This really happened a few years ago on the BBC TV:
A few highly respected commentators were covering a cricket match,
when one of them (apparently) wanted to say that the bowler was Holding
and the batsman was Willey. And he did it the following way (exactly
as he said it):
"The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey"
Think about it :-)
Well, the best part of it was that they all realised it quickly and
started laughing, all live on the air!!
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (R.J.)
Subject: War and Peace
A headline on the front page of the Ottawa Citizen:
Renewed Fighting Threatens Peace
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hep!
Seen on a chat system (I really saw it):
OK, stupid question time. The etter before m on my keyboard is broken.
How do I ogout?
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Steve Dempsey)
Subject: forceful metaphor
Seen on a bumper sticker:
metaphors be with you
= = = = = = =
=========================================================================
>>In article
>>[email protected] (Brad Thayer) writes:
>>The best _real_ name that I have seen was a forestry professor named Anne
>>Forrest. Now that's not bad, but she married and hyphenated her name.
>>She is now Anne Forrest-Burns!
We have a Professor her named Tom Dumm. The worst thing is, his wife's
name is Jean Bright. And even worse, they are hyphenating their kids' names.
I knew an engineer at Boeing named Roland A. Long. Also, back in high
school I knew a girl named Sherry Baum. Her father, Adam, was named
long before the Manhatten Project, but that's no excuse for taking it
out on your kid.
I have a newspaper clipping of a wedding announcement:
Allison Scott married Scott Allison.
Now she is Allison Allison.....
True story, I swear...!
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A friend of mine went to a job interview. The secretary's name was Gene.
He said Hi Gene. The interviewer's name was Jack, so my friend said Hi Jack
and burst out laughing. (True Story).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter had a badge (you colonialists would probably call it a button,
which is what we use to keep our shirts on) for her 2nd birthday, bearing
the lyrical but precise inscription "I am 2". On the back, another
inscription informed us that the item was "Not suitable for children
under 36 months"
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From: [email protected] (Gerry Wildenberg)
Organization: St. John Fisher College
Subject: Hamlet question answered.
Some years ago a friend told me of an acquaintance's quick wit. When
asked for an example he related:
When he first heard the famous quote from Hamlet: "What's Hecuba to
him, or he to Hecuba?", the wit replied "Two shortest books in the
encyclopedia?"
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Paul S. R. Chisholm)
Subject: Double features
The local duplex theater had the following on their marque:
DANCES WITH WOLVES
THE HARD WAY
A few years back, the same theater advertised:
EXTRATERRESTRIAL
WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Michael A. Covington)
Subject: Warning found on a can of Freon
"Sudden death may occur without warning. Call a physician immediately."
= = = = = = =
Subject: Alive last month ?
(The following is orginal and was told by my uncle)
One of my uncles was a retired elementary school teacher in a small
village in India. He used to go to the next town first week of every
month to collect his pension. He was required to produce a certificate
>from a government doctor that he was alive everytime he collected his
pension.
He didn't go to collect his pension for a couple of months as he was
ill and hospitalised. After recuperation, he went to collect his
pension for that month along with the arrears. The clerk in the
office asked him, "Thats fine. This is the certificate showing that
you are alive this month. But where are the certificates to prove that
you were alive the last two months?" waving the medical certificate.
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Christine A. Quinn)
Organization: Electrical Engineering Computer Facility, Stanford University
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in
Mountain View, CA:
+---------------------------+
| PUSH |
| If that doesn't work then |
| PULL |
| If that doesn't work then |
| We're closed. |
+---------------------------+
= = = = = = =
From: [email protected] (Bruce Klein)
Subject: Good Doublespeak
I called AAA to ask for an insurance quote, and their representative
said:
"I'm sorry, but the person I have available isn't available right now.
Could I have someone call you back?"
= = = = = = =
From: ccmlh%[email protected] (Mark Hayes)
Subject: software licenses
>From the sealed envelope of a software upgrade I just received:
BY OPENING THIS PACKAGE, YOU AGREE TO ALL THE TERMS OF THE
ENCLOSED SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE
WITH THESE TERMS, RETURN THE UNOPENED PACKAGE TO THE PLACE
WHERE YOU OBTAINED IT FOR A FULL REFUND.
= = = = = = =
Seen today at work:
=============================
Subject: Video Tape Presentation Rescheduled
-------
Sorry for the short notice, but I have just discovered that the
Kennedy Conference Room is needed for another meeting at 11:00.
Therefore, I've rescheduled the showing of THE PETER PRINCIPLE:
WHY THINGS ALWAYS GO WRONG to 3:00 today.
Hope to see you there,
= = = = = = =
